Follow my personal journey from the beginning at Loving Abuse 1: Who Am I and/or my video dairy.
“See, I have set before you today life and good, death and evil,
I am in the hospital sick and weak and my life was spiraling out of control. The Doctors have basically told me that I need to have someone with me for awhile because of ongoing medication treatments and my mental instability. My mom decides I need to go and stay with her in Firebaugh while I do the treatment, so off to Firebaugh I went. PC even came over there to see me a couple of times. My mother and I had a very strenuous relationship and even though she is very concerned about me, she is very, very critical so I only lasted a week.
Fortunately, I had met a gal at the Enterprise who had invited me to go and stay with her and her 2 kids. She had an extra room and so I rented that room from her. PC ended up coming there too a couple of times and she allowed him but was not happy about it. I mostly would meet him outside. I had no respect for myself, anyone or anyone’s home at this point. I was only there a few weeks and I got sick which turned into pneumonia. I couldn’t stay there because her kids had asthma. So PC opted to rent me a motel room for two weeks while I recuperated. This was very generous on his part.
I did good for about a week because I was so sick and then I got bored. PC would come by in the mornings and in the afternoons to bring me food or see what I needed. He really was being a sweetheart but in my twisted mind I felt like I was now even a bigger, dirty little secret. I was tucked away in the back of this motel with no one but him coming by, when he wanted. I felt totally isolated because PC asked me to promise to not tell anyone where I was, so I could rest. LOL… Carla went back to her old destructive ways and went out drinking. He would leave me money in case I needed anything and I took that to the bar. Well, good ole faithful JC was at the bar and he brought me home that night. JC was off the next day so he called his wife and told her he was drunk with a friend and would be home in the morning.
So, the next morning he wanted to go for a drive in his RV. He ran home, got his RV, came back, got me and off we went. We spent the whole day driving to Dos Palos, Firebaugh and even picked up a good friend of ours Doc in Dos Palos and then my sis in law in Firebaugh and drove around drinking. It was a good day, nice to be out of the motel and be seen with a man. Yes, still a married man but I was not in the motel. We had all actually come back into town, parked behind Tony’s Rendevous in the RV and drank inside till the bar closed. Then we went out to the RV and drank most of the rest of the night till we all passed out. I didn’t know how to say NO and always complied with whomever I was with. I had no back bone, no self-respect and what seemed to be no conscious. How could I be so cold blooded to take this mans’ money, take his hospitality and then stab him in the back? I didn’t know who I was anymore.
JC dropped me off at the motel in the morning and PC arrived right behind him. Like, literally right after he left. I knew he had to have seen his RV but I still tried to lie. He said “I came by here yesterday afternoon, last night and this morning and you were not here, where were you?” I said “You are home every night with your wife, you have no right to ask me that”. He said “I paid for this room for 2 weeks so you have a place to stay and if you are not here, then maybe you don’t need a place to stay”. I tried to lie but he always knew when I was lying. He knew JC’s days off, he knew my pattern and he saw him drive out. I am sure he was sitting and waiting. Before he left he said “Just about the time I think I am one step ahead of you, I find out you are 5 steps ahead of me”. I said “what does that mean?” He said “I know I am an asshole, I have been most of my life, and you are my payback”. Wow!!! Ok, so these two brothers whom are the towns’ biggest players are saying I am more of a player than them? I didn’t know whether to pat myself on the back or cry. I felt so much shame and guilt I was sick to my stomach. I truly did not recognize me anymore.
Less than a week after this happened I found out that JC and PC had gotten into a fist fight down at Tonys’ over me. They were revealing who got to do what with me sexually, like anal sex was said. Like one had the advantage over the other. Shocker to both, they were equal. I was like, here it is…the sibling rivalry I was told about.
I was able to rent a room above Tony’s Rendezvous in exchange for cleaning the rooms to pay my rent. I, occasionally bartended and then I got a part time job at Etcheverry Construction. The owner, JE circuited the bar I went to and he said he needed a Bookkeeper. Ok, life is improving. I get to live above all the alcohol, work around alcohol and had an alcoholic for a boss. Yippee!!!! I began work and it was great because if I went to lunch at the bar and started drinking I didn’t have to go back to work. JE was very tolerant and understanding..for awhile..until it became a habit.
I would get drunk and crawl up the stairs to my room, literally. JE decided he wanted to take a few of us to Reno for New Years Eve and off we went. All I remember about that trip were the car ride up and back, which included lots of drinking on the way up and on the way back. The only thing I remember is being so drunk I had no clue where I was. JE had given both RS and I $100 to buy us something nice. I had spent maybe $25 on my outfit and the rest I pocketed to drink. I felt so lonely that weekend around all of these people, it was sad. We had Super Bowl celebration at JE’s and we were there a lot partying. I do not know how he ran his business with all the drinking going on.
At this point in my drinking, I was drinking triple shots of tequila gold. I had men buying me drinks all the time and so money was no object at the bar. I could drink several triple shots and out drink any man. I had one guy that worked at a grocery store I went to, very handsome man and I was attracted to him but I felt like he was out of my league and I cared what he thought about me, which was not normal. So, one night he waltzes into the bar and proceeds to challenge me to drinking shots. I tried to warn him but he wouldn’t listen. So, the challenge began and before you knew it, he was wasted. He wanted me to go home with him but I was playing hard to get. So, I told him “I will follow you home, take you inside, tuck you into bed and leave”. He kept insisting I would not be able to do that. Even in my own mind, I was not sure I could but I was up for the challenge.
I follow him home, walk him in, take off his shirt and pants and he pulls me onto the bed. I bounce right back up and tell him “NO, go to sleep”. He pulled me back down again and as much as I wanted to give in I said NO again. He said “You are really going to do me like this?” I said “I sure am” and walked out. I couldn’t believe I was able to walk away but I cared about what he thought of me and that was my driving force. Of course, I was back at the bar before I went up to my room.
I call heaven and earth as witnesses today against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing; therefore choose life, that both you and your descendants may live;
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Phone Number
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1-800-273-8255
Find out more on: Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Follow my story by reading from the beginning: LOVING ABUSE 1: and/or video
Carla's Journey to Health 